7 Ways To Think About Your Legacy
Have you thought of what your kids will say after you have passed? What will they say to their children about you even years after you are at your resting place (be it upstairs or downstairs, get my drift)
This was a conversation I had with a young man named "Bryan" who's father had passed away about two years ago. He was telling me how much he missed his dad, who was a mentor to Bryan. The fun times that they had together. The lessons Bryan learned because of the time he spent with his dad.
After speaking to Bryan, I really started to think about what my son will say to his friends about me when I pass away. I really want to know what my bonus daughters Betsy and Becca will say about me too.
Do you even think about your legacy? Do you care?
I have a friend named "Lawrence" (not his real name) who has three kids. Lawrence recently broke up with his girlfriend, and for the first time in years, he is single. All he would fixate is not having a girlfriend. Several of us told him to focus on his kids and himself. Do you think deep down his kids care if he has a girlfriend or not? They want to spend time with their dad. Again, after speaking with Lawrence, I'm sad to say that I really do not feel he understood that he needed to make his kids a higher priority. What legacy is he going to end up with?
Have you really sat down to think of what your legacy is? Think about it for a moment. What is your relationship like with just not your kid's but your circle of influence?
Do you care what others will say about you after you have moved on? I really thought about this after speaking with Bryan. His face would light up as he talked about his dad. I truly wanted to cry.
As much as I do tell my wife Ann that I do not think about if a person likes me or not: I do care about how I treated them. Does that make sense?
For me, I do not feel that I have been a good enough role model for my family. Currently, I have struggled with my weight, hate my day job, and I feel my depression is getting worse. This is NOT how you create a positive legacy. So, how does someone create a lasting legacy?
I want to share with you my seven ideas to create a better legacy. The order is irrelevant: it's about the execution.
- When I was in grade school, and our class had a field trip to the Chicago area, my dad would volunteer as a chaperone. How cool is it to not only hang out with your dad but to show him off as only a child can. You have that sense of pride of "this is my dad." I correctly recall a trip to one of the Chicago newspapers and my dad meeting us in front of the building since he lived downtown at the time. It was a memory that is tattooed on my brain. I took that life lesson, and when I became a dad, I would do my best to chaperone as many class trips when my son Connor was in grade school. The moral of this story is: step up and sit on a school bus with a group of screaming kids.
- Do you like the movie "Frozen?" You might not, but guess what, your kids might. My friend and one heck of a dad, James Lopez, who runs a business called "Cool4dads.com. " He told me recently that he received free tickets for a Frozen event that his youngest son wanted to attend. Did James say to his son "no" because this was something that dad did not want to do? Heck no! So the point here is to do things that your kids want to do.
- I mentioned that one of my struggles is my weight. We parents really need to think about our health. Our kids will mirror both good and bad habits. All of our kids are either in a sport, or they go to the gym. Or both. In my first book, "25 Tips for Divorced Dads," I mentioned that being physically fit is vital. You want to be on the planet for a long time. For me, in the past, the "Wonder Twins" (this is what we call my son and his bonus sister because they really could be blood-related) and I would go to the gym and shoot hoops. What activity can you do with your kids? Even if it hopscotch
- Having open and honest communication. Also, if you are not living in the same house as your kids, you should be talking daily to them. At times it could be a text message to just say "hi" or "I love you." However, you might need to have real conversations. I do not mean the standard "hows your day?" You already know that answer. Have you had "the talk?" What about talking about drugs? My son asked me many years ago if I had ever done drugs? I was candid with him and told him what my experience was back in the college days. One more thing, don't just talk to your kids: listen more than speaking.
- There will be times, and I know it can be hard to do, but you will need to admit when you are wrong. This goes beyond acknowledging to your kids. This could be even your former spouse. Part of your legacy is what your character is seen by others. Does that make sense? People's B.S detector will know when you are lying to them. If you do not tell the truth in front of your kids and they know you are not telling the truth: what does that say about your morel fiber?
- It is okay to fail. It is even better if you fail in front of your kids. Let us take this up a notch and say let your kids fail too. When my son Connor and I would go to the local ice rink and work on some hockey drills, I hated to fall. After his games, when we would drive back home, he and I would talk about the positives and negatives: even if the team had won. Failure can be such a great learning tool. Do not let your ego get the best of you. Failing is part of life. Like it or not.
- You might roll your eyes when you read this one, but this is in my mind important for your legacy. Here we go: make your bed every day. Yes! What does this have to do with legacy? If your kids see that you are making your bed consistently, then you are now creating a positive habit. They, too, might (not right away) will build on positive habits. I will admit that neither of the Wonder Twins makes their bed when they are at our house, but in my mind, it is still a visual that one day will make sense to them. After my divorce is when I started to make my bed each day. To the point, I would do it when I was out of work, and it was a day I was not even leaving the house. When I am doing a speaking engagement, I have always worn a tie. When I coached hockey, I wore a tie. Because my son has seen me in a tie after all of these years: guess who wears a tie to his hockey games?
Yes, I can keep going, but you are a smart person, so I know you understand where this is all going. We parents are FAR from being perfect. Try being a bonus parent: even more laborious.
As I said at the start of the piece: do you think of your legacy? After talking with Bryan, it really did hit me of where I can improve as both being a man and a dad. For me, I want to have more meaningful conversations with the Wonder Twins. I want to be better at (if they are open to it), offering life advice. Being honest with my mistakes so they can learn from them.
Overall we parents should remember that our kids are watching us and listening to us. Yes, the old saying talking about our actions speak louder then words are truth.
My plea to you is that going forward, you will think more about your actions because when you are long gone from this world, wouldn't you want your kids to say kind things about you? Especially at your final resting place. Again either up or down.
Tommy Maloney is the Executive producer and host of the podcast Blending The Family, where you can find on ITUNES, Iheart Radio, Spotify, and Stitcher Radio.
Tommy has spoken at TEDx, Ignite Fort Collins, and Keynote Speaker at Everything Dad Convention. He even has won speaking awards through Toastmasters International.
Tommy Maloney is an Author and Life Strategist. The author of the books "25 Tips For Divorced Dads." "Why not you, Why Not Me" and His new book, "My Dad's Advice At 5:04 AM" is coming out in 2020. Tommy enjoys a good red blend while writing or hiding from the family. A dad to Betsy, Becca, Connor, and Duke. A husband to Ann.
Podcast music by Twisterium / freebackgroundtracks.net
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